I’m getting older. ¬†I’m 52 years old; two years older than my father was when he passed away from lung cancer. ¬†At the age of 45, I, too, was diagnosed with cancer of a different variety: leukemia. ¬†I’m happy to say that I’ve been in remission for seven years, now.
People react to a cancer diagnosis in different ways. ¬†I had this feeling that I would be suddenly transported into this wise woman. ¬†I would have a new, appreciative outlook on life. ¬†People would look at me and say, “There is a lady who has been to hell and back! ¬†Look at the joy on her face! ¬†Look at the purpose in her life!”
I wish it was so.
I seem to be more lost than ever. ¬†My faith in God is greater. ¬†I can say¬†that. ¬†I just still don’t know my purpose. ¬†I keep waiting for that lightening bolt…that “Oh, YES!” moment. ¬†I want to be wise. ¬†I have five grandchildren and another baby girl on the way. ¬†I want them to feel like they can come to me for good advise. ¬†I want to gather them around me like baby chicks and feed them. ¬†I want them to feel God’s love through my love for them.
A few weeks ago, I was walking down a dirt road that is not far from my home. ¬†This is something I love to do. ¬†My mind feels at peace and my thoughts run free as my feet press against the hard, dusty earth. ¬†The trees offer their shade and protection, reaching their arms over me as in a game of “London Bridge”. ¬†Birds sing their sweet songs to me. ¬†Rabbits dart in the brush and watch as I pass by. ¬†I’m alone and yet, I’m not. ¬†I know God is with me. ¬†Being in full view of his creation makes this reality ever more present. ¬†So much of my walking time is spent researching, analyzing and sorting out my life. ¬†My need to create clashes daily with my need to feel useful. ¬†The absence of my children in my everyday life has left me in a puzzled existence. ¬†I don’t quite know how I fit in anymore.
On this particular walk, I ran into a spider’s web. ¬†This happens often on dirt roads. ¬†It has alway been a wonderment to me how they get that sticky thread all the way across the width of the road, but they do! ¬†I reached up my hand to try and wipe it’s creepiness from off my sweaty face with a feeling of disgust. ¬†As I walked on, I made a mental metaphoric connection with the spider’s web and wisdom. ¬†I pictured the spider’s web. ¬†It, like wisdom, is such a beautiful thing. ¬†In the early morning light, it is covered in dew and each drop of moisture sparkles like a perfect crystal strung upon a glistening thread. ¬†It is expertly crafted by a superior, intelligent being, waiting to serve a intended purpose. How much skill went in the weaving of it!
When we get “caught” in the web of wisdom, do we fight it? ¬†Do we try, like I did with the real one, to get away from it so that we are free to do our own will; or, do we wait patiently to be “transformed” into usefulness for someone else? ¬†Do we take that wisdom and feed the souls of others?
There is so much wisdom out there. ¬†“The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers¬†are few.” ¬†Jesus said this in Matthew 9:37 (New King James Version). ¬†Our elders are all around us waiting for someone to listen to what they have learned through their years on this earth. ¬†Do we despise them? ¬†Are their weaknesses and infirmities all we can see?
If it is God’s will, I hope in the months to come to share some wisdom, some strands of golden web, from the sages I come in contact with. ¬†I also hope to share stories from my ancestors, as well as poems and short stories of my own.