What Lies Beneath a Smile

Veiled behind the lovely lace of her smile lies torrents of pain that only she is aware of.

¬†‘Tho the veil may shift with the winds of change, she holds it in place.

¬†Her eyes are traitors that betray buried secrets… so she diverts them, casting their gaze to the ground; the only control she has over the windows to her soul.¬†

You behold her.

Her veil intrigues you like a mystery untold.

Indeed, it is a mystery how she keeps it in place when her world quakes beneath her feet.

It is a skill she has honed.

This smile is the only fortress she has.

Behind the facade, her soul is screaming.

One moment, she is longing for an escape; someone to carry her far, far away, lift the tender lace, look into the wells of her eyes, and embrace her with tenderness.

The next, she will gaze upon the garden she has planted within her fortress walls.

The veil acts like a kaleidoscope, shifting the colors in her mind’s eye until she sees the beauty in her soul and knows that one day, the veil will be lifted, her true smile will be set free, and her spirit will levitate beyond her walls to see all that is good.

 

author’s note:

I dedicate this to all who are carrying a secret pain.  I know that sometimes you smile to ward off questions that you would rather not answer.

It is my prayer that you would see the hope that you carry within yourself…that lovely garden.

 

A Letter of Faith

My last blog post was dark. ¬†It came from a very dark place. ¬†My heart has been covered in a black mourning cloth‚Ķmourning things that happen‚Ķlife‚Ķthings that can’t be changed.

I am blessed beyond measure to be married to a wonderful man.  He loves me even with all my flaws.  He remembers me as I was and occasionally, gets to see a glimpse of that girl.

That girl loved God.  He was the guiding force for her whole life.  She was known for her faith.

What I said about my heart being dried up, not able to give‚Ķwell, that was true. ¬†I’ve pushed everyone away, just a bit. ¬†When I felt vulnerable, I did something to get distance. ¬†I had become one of those bitter women no one wants to be around. ¬†I tried to hide her. ¬†I put on my smile, one of my gifts from that girl I was. ¬†I said, “I’m fine.” ¬†I was the queen of FINE.

My prayer time was short and to the point; full of pleas for help and daily forgiveness. ¬†I knew I wasn’t in a graced state of mind. ¬†I didn’t fully engage in my worship. ¬†It was too hard. ¬†True worship requires openness. ¬†Concentrating on God’s Holy Word was difficult. ¬†The Holy Spirit had a constant battle on His hands.

Susan Ashton sang a song called, *”Grand Canyon”. ¬†In it she sings, “I know that I’m a long way from where I need to be when there’s a grand canyon between You and me‚Ķ” ¬†That’s what it feels like when you shut yourself off.

*written by Wayne Kirkpatrick

I’m confessing this, to whoever reads it. ¬†I want forgiveness. ¬†I woke up this morning physically sick from the bitter gall I’ve been swallowing. ¬†I want that girl back!

Thanks and praise and eternal gratitude to my Heavenly Father for the gifts of forgiveness and redemption.

I realize this is not a story, poem, or word of wisdom. ¬†This is me. ¬†This is my life. ¬†This is my letter of faith to you. ¬†If any wisdom can be gained from it, I hope it will be that you keep your heart open. ¬†The heart, the soul, is a thing to be used. ¬†Like silver, it becomes more beautiful the more it is worn or handled. ¬†Don’t let yourself tarnish from the inside out. ¬†It will eventually show.

Outside it is raining…a dark, dreary day.  Inside my heart, there is sunshine.  I am so blessed.  Every day, every moment, every loved one is a gift.  I pray that I will never slip into that dark place, again.