My last blog post was dark. ¬†It came from a very dark place. ¬†My heart has been covered in a black mourning cloth‚Ä¶mourning things that happen‚Ä¶life‚Ä¶things that can’t be changed.
I am blessed beyond measure to be married to a wonderful man. ¬†He loves me even with all my flaws. ¬†He remembers me as I was and occasionally, gets to see a glimpse of that girl.
That girl loved God. ¬†He was the guiding force for her whole life. ¬†She was known for her faith.
What I said about my heart being dried up, not able to give‚Ä¶well, that was true. ¬†I’ve pushed everyone away, just a bit. ¬†When I felt vulnerable, I did something to get distance. ¬†I had become one of those bitter women no one wants to be around. ¬†I tried to hide her. ¬†I put on my smile, one of my gifts from that girl I was. ¬†I said, “I’m fine.” ¬†I was the queen of FINE.
My prayer time was short and to the point; full of pleas for help and daily forgiveness. ¬†I knew I wasn’t in a graced state of mind. ¬†I didn’t fully engage in my worship. ¬†It was too hard. ¬†True worship requires openness. ¬†Concentrating on God’s Holy Word was difficult. ¬†The Holy Spirit had a constant battle on His hands.
Susan Ashton sang a song called, *”Grand Canyon”. ¬†In it she sings, “I know that I’m a long way from where I need to be when there’s a grand canyon between You and me‚Ä¶” ¬†That’s what it feels like when you shut yourself off.
*written by Wayne Kirkpatrick
I’m confessing this, to whoever reads it. ¬†I want forgiveness. ¬†I woke up this morning physically sick from the bitter gall I’ve been swallowing. ¬†I want that girl back!
Thanks and praise and eternal gratitude to my Heavenly Father for the gifts of forgiveness and redemption.
I realize this is not a story, poem, or word of wisdom. ¬†This is me. ¬†This is my life. ¬†This is my letter of faith to you. ¬†If any wisdom can be gained from it, I hope it will be that you keep your heart open. ¬†The heart, the soul, is a thing to be used. ¬†Like silver, it becomes more beautiful the more it is worn or handled. ¬†Don’t let yourself tarnish from the inside out. ¬†It will eventually show.
Outside it is raining‚Ä¶a dark, dreary day. ¬†Inside my heart, there is sunshine. ¬†I am so blessed. ¬†Every day, every moment, every loved one is a gift. ¬†I pray that I will never slip into that dark place, again.