My last blog post was dark. It came from a very dark place. My heart has been covered in a black mourning cloth…mourning things that happen…life…things that can’t be changed.
I am blessed beyond measure to be married to a wonderful man. He loves me even with all my flaws. He remembers me as I was and occasionally, gets to see a glimpse of that girl.
That girl loved God. He was the guiding force for her whole life. She was known for her faith.
What I said about my heart being dried up, not able to give…well, that was true. I’ve pushed everyone away, just a bit. When I felt vulnerable, I did something to get distance. I had become one of those bitter women no one wants to be around. I tried to hide her. I put on my smile, one of my gifts from that girl I was. I said, “I’m fine.” I was the queen of FINE.
My prayer time was short and to the point; full of pleas for help and daily forgiveness. I knew I wasn’t in a graced state of mind. I didn’t fully engage in my worship. It was too hard. True worship requires openness. Concentrating on God’s Holy Word was difficult. The Holy Spirit had a constant battle on His hands.
Susan Ashton sang a song called, *”Grand Canyon”. In it she sings, “I know that I’m a long way from where I need to be when there’s a grand canyon between You and me…” That’s what it feels like when you shut yourself off.
*written by Wayne Kirkpatrick
I’m confessing this, to whoever reads it. I want forgiveness. I woke up this morning physically sick from the bitter gall I’ve been swallowing. I want that girl back!
Thanks and praise and eternal gratitude to my Heavenly Father for the gifts of forgiveness and redemption.
I realize this is not a story, poem, or word of wisdom. This is me. This is my life. This is my letter of faith to you. If any wisdom can be gained from it, I hope it will be that you keep your heart open. The heart, the soul, is a thing to be used. Like silver, it becomes more beautiful the more it is worn or handled. Don’t let yourself tarnish from the inside out. It will eventually show.
Outside it is raining…a dark, dreary day. Inside my heart, there is sunshine. I am so blessed. Every day, every moment, every loved one is a gift. I pray that I will never slip into that dark place, again.